Questions to ask your friends about yourself: 60 to learn what they see

You know what you meant to say. Your friends only know what you actually said, how your face looked when you said it, and what you did next. That gap is where the interesting answers are.

Good questions to ask your friends about yourself include: “What was your first impression of me?”, “What do you think I’m better at than I realize?”, “When do I seem stressed, even if I say I’m fine?” and “What do you come to me for?” Ask one or two at a time, guess the answers first, and listen without arguing.

Quick takeaways

• Friends often see your strengths more clearly than you do. Research suggests they can judge traits like intelligence and creativity better than you can.
• You still know your inner life best: your worries and your self-esteem.
• Ask two or three questions, not 20. Start with the kind ones.
• Guess their answers before you ask. The gap between your guess and theirs is the useful part.
• Thank them, don’t argue, and write the answers down the same day.

Why ask your friends questions about yourself?

Because other people can see parts of you that you can’t. Research on self-knowledge suggests friends are better judges of some traits, like intelligence and creativity, while you’re the better judge of inner states like anxiety. Asking fills in the parts of the picture you’re missing.

Psychologist Simine Vazire described this in her self-other knowledge asymmetry model in 2010. In her studies, people were more accurate than their friends about inner traits that don’t carry much judgment, like anxiety. But friends were more accurate about traits that carry a lot of judgment, like intelligence and creativity. Traits that are easy to see from outside, like how talkative someone is, were judged about equally well by both.

The likely reason: when a trait feels like a verdict on your worth, it’s hard to see yourself clearly. A friend doesn’t have the same stake in the answer.

How do you ask friends questions about yourself?

Pick a friend who’s kind and honest, tell them why you’re asking, and send two or three questions rather than a long list. Guess their answers before you read them. When they reply, thank them and don’t argue, even if an answer surprises you.

1. Choose the right person. Someone who knows you well and wants good things for you. Save “blind spot” questions for your closest friends.
2. Say why. “I’m doing a bit of self-reflection” takes the weirdness out of it.
3. Keep it short. Two or three questions. Five at most.
4. Make it easy to answer. Text or email gives them time to think; in person gets you the unfiltered version.
5. Guess first. Write down what you think they’ll say. The tool above has a button for that.
6. Don’t argue. “Interesting, tell me more” is the only follow-up you need.
7. Offer to return the favor. It turns a strange request into a nice conversation.

60 questions to ask your friends about yourself

The 60 questions below are grouped into six kinds: first impressions, strengths, blind spots, your friendship, change and growth, and a set just for fun. Start with first impressions or strengths, which are easy to ask and nice to answer, and save blind spots for friends you trust.

Questions about first impressions

1. What was your first impression of me?
2. How has your impression of me changed since we met?
3. What did you think I’d be like before you got to know me?
4. What’s something about me that surprised you?
5. How would you describe me to someone who’s never met me?
6. What do you think people assume about me that isn’t true?
7. What three words would you use to describe me?
8. What do you think I was like as a kid?
9. What kind of job would you guess I had if you didn’t know?
10. What’s the first thing you notice when I walk into a room?

Questions about your strengths

11. What do you think I’m better at than I realize?
12. When have you seen me at my best?
13. What do you come to me for?
14. What’s something I do that makes your life easier?
15. What do you admire about the way I handle things?
16. What’s a compliment you’ve thought about me but never said?
17. What would you hire me to do?
18. What’s a talent of mine I don’t use enough?
19. When do I seem most like myself?
20. What do you think I should be proud of?

Questions about your blind spots

21. What’s one thing I do that I probably don’t notice?
22. When do I seem stressed, even if I say I’m fine?
23. What do I worry about that you think I don’t need to?
24. Is there something I say a lot?
25. What’s a habit of mine you’d gently change?
26. When do I get in my own way?
27. What do you think I avoid?
28. How do I come across when I’m tired or upset?
29. What’s one piece of advice you’ve wanted to give me?
30. What do you think I’m hard on myself about?

Ask these gently, and only when you’re ready to hear the answer. It helps to say which area you’d like feedback on, so your friend isn’t guessing.

Questions about your friendship

31. What’s your favorite memory of us?
32. What do you think brought us together as friends?
33. What do you get from our friendship that you don’t get elsewhere?
34. Is there something you wish we did more often?
35. When did you know we’d be friends?
36. What’s something I’ve done that meant more than I realized?
37. How can I be a better friend to you?
38. What do we disagree on that you secretly think I’m right about?
39. What’s an inside joke you think of when you think of me?
40. What would you want me to know about you that I might not?

Questions about change and growth

41. How have I changed since we first met?
42. What do you think I’m working on right now?
43. Where do you see me in five years?
44. What do you think I want most, deep down?
45. What’s something you think I should try?
46. What would you tell me if you knew I’d listen?
47. What do you think I’d do if I weren’t afraid?
48. When have you seen me grow the most?
49. What’s a decision you think I got right?
50. What do you hope for me?

Fun questions to ask your friends about yourself

51. If I were a food, what would I be?
52. What song reminds you of me?
53. What fictional character am I most like?
54. What would my superpower be?
55. If I had a warning label, what would it say?
56. What would I be famous for?
57. What animal am I?
58. What would my perfect day look like, according to you?
59. What’s the most “me” thing I’ve ever done?
60. If I had a theme song, what would it be?

What should you do with your friends’ answers?

Write them down the same day, next to your guesses. Look for the answers that surprised you and the ones that came up more than once. Then pick one thing, a strength to use more or a habit to watch, and write about what you’ll do with it.

A simple journal page:

• Their answer. Word for word, if you can.
• Your guess. What you expected them to say.
• The gap. Where the two differ, and how that feels.
• The pattern. Anything two or more people said.
• One thing. A strength to lean on or a habit to try changing this month.

If an answer stings, give it a day before you write about it. Feedback can feel bigger in the first hour than it does a week later.

If you’re new to keeping a journal, the how to start journaling guide covers the basics, and there are hundreds more prompts in the journal prompts hub.

Questions to ask your friends about yourself: FAQ

What is a good question to ask a friend about yourself?

“What do you think I’m better at than I realize?” It’s kind, easy to answer and often surprising. “What was your first impression of me?” is another good opener.

How do I ask friends for honest feedback without it being awkward?

Tell them why you’re asking, keep it to two or three questions, and send them by text so they have time to think. Offering to answer the same questions for them makes it feel like a game rather than an exam.

What if I don’t like the answer?

Thank them anyway, and wait a day before deciding what it means. One person’s view is one view. If several friends say the same thing, it’s worth taking seriously.

Can I use these questions with a partner or family?

Yes. The friendship questions work for partners with small changes, and first impressions and strengths work well with family. Save blind-spot questions for people who’ll answer kindly.

Are there fun questions to ask friends about yourself?

Yes: “If I were a food, what would I be?”, “What song reminds you of me?” and “If I had a warning label, what would it say?” They’re a good way to start before the deeper ones.